


like a note sung out of tune (my life without you)

by Sameifer



Series: small and silver [5]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Anger, Angst, Five Stages of Grief, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-31
Updated: 2019-10-31
Packaged: 2021-01-15 07:53:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21249980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sameifer/pseuds/Sameifer
Summary: He thought he would never feel that anger again–feel anything that intense and horrifying. But when Steve discovers what Bucky has been going through all these decades while he was frozen over, it’s ‘45 all over again.





	like a note sung out of tune (my life without you)

**Author's Note:**

> trigger warning for mentions of v*mit, slight gore, and slight suicidal ideation
> 
> well...here it is

He remembers being so angry, angrier than he’s ever been, after Bucky fell. He remembers sitting in that desolate bar– stools and tables broken all around him, and thinking it was fitting; it looked just like the tornado that was raging inside of his stomach. He’d never wanted to kill anyone more than he did the motherfuckers that took Bucky from him.

_ ‘I’m big now.’  _ He’d often thought to himself as he was adjusting to his new size.  _ ‘I have to control this strength.’ _

But after Bucky fell, none of those thoughts could satiate him. He’d sit on lookout while the other Commandos slept, and he would think about Hydra and what they did to his Bucky. He wanted to punch so hard his fist went right through the person’s head and their brains would turn to nothing but waste on the ground. He wanted to kick so hard he could feel their guts leaking out around his foot. He wanted to line every one of them up in the firing squad and take each and every shot. He’d think so hard, so fucking hard, about how bad he wanted them dead, he’d get lost in thought and come back to reality dizzy and dazed.

Everyone was wary around him after Buck died. He assumed it was because they didn’t expect his reaction to be so volatile. And of course they didn’t. What kind of man goes off the rails just because he loses his best fella? No one on that God forsaken battlefield knew shit about what him and Bucky were, and it made him seethe even more. He was angry that no one knew what they meant to each other, but he was also angry that anyone thought it was their business to know. The rage made him shake like a leaf every day. He shook and vibrated and convulsed unless he was throwing his fists and spitting in faces.

He remembers so clearly one night when some dame came up to him at a bar, sly as cat, and batted her pretty little eyelashes at him. He gripped his glass so hard it shattered right there.

_ “Excuse me,”  _ he gritted out before escaping to a nearby alleyway. He remembers stuffing his fist into his mouth and screaming so hard he choked and vomited right between those brick walls. He cried and cried on that dirty alley ground, then picked himself up, and went back to the hostel they were stationed at.

He thought he would never feel that anger again–feel anything that intense and horrifying. But when Steve discovers what Bucky has been going through all these decades while he was frozen over, it’s ‘45 all over again. He wants to  _ die  _ he’s so racked with anger. Why does no one on this fucking planet care about Bucky  _ but him?  _ Why did Bucky have to wait seventy years for anyone to give a damn? For anyone to try and reach him, to save him?

It’s always been Steve and Bucky against the world, and he can’t help but feel overcome with bitterness about that. It’s like the world wants to see just how far they’ll go for each other–see just how quick they’ll die for the other. He swears if he didn’t have Bucky to live for, didn’t have the newfound purpose of finding Bucky and bringing him home, he’d blow his own head off, if nothing but for the satisfaction that someone else doesn’t get to do it.

He won’t, though. Buck would never let him live it down.

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> find me on twittuh: @sameifer


End file.
